Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave