Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me