Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You Might Also Like
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain