Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
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Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Taking phone security to the next level.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.