Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.