I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.