“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]