“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.