ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
A game married people play.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The struggle is real
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car