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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.