WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
🤣🤣🤣
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.