I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
This is a true ally.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”