Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault