Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
You Might Also Like
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
These 3D printers are insane!
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Pikachu found the lost joint
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.