@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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@david8hughes: Therapist: do u communicate with your kids? Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
@BobTheSuit: 911: Your emergency? -Karen asked me a question. 911: Not an emergency. -She asked if I could be more pacific. 911: Cars are on their way.
@SadieSkyNinja: Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
@Underchilde: I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.