Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.