Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered