Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Lube but for my dry humor.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.