Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
the saddest jazz hands ever
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.