Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
scared to check what name she chose
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.