Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.