Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
This meal prepping shit is easy
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My god she’s good.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”