Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Why soy sad?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you