Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.