@panku_: Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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@AaronFullerton: Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
@ieatanddrink: I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials