why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I need better friends
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
j o i m p
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Good news
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-