why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.