@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
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@AnitaHelmet: There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
@katvonwitt: Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don't have to tell me how a marriage works.
@jwoodham: If I was a Quidditch player I'd be the Seeker, because I'm really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.
@SuperJuanderer: [psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive