@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
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@buhsbaby_baby: Autocorrect just changed "carnie" to "catnip" and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
@thejamietighe: Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
@hythemafia: Sperm 1: "Geez I'm exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?" Sperm 2: "A long way, we've just passed the tonsils..."
@LuvPug: If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops