Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
bout dat hot dog summer
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*