@goldengateblond: Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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@Quartzjixler: I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
@briangaar: HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly