Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Discuss
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process