Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.