held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*bites zombie*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
the red hot silly peppers
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting