Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
time for some seasonal decor
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.