Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum