A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.