Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child