‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.