@sofarrsogud: ‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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@CornerPubRon: After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
@AndrewNadeau0: INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job? ME: I was fired for being too literal. I: How have you supported yourself since then? M: Legs.
@SortaBad: Fellow Black Friday shopper: I'm so excited! What are you trying to buy? Me: oh I can't afford anything, I'm hoping to be trampled to death