‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
You Might Also Like
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Life cycle of cat
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.