Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.