Stop sending me this shit.
You Might Also Like
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
There is no “we” in pizza
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
New mindset, who dis?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)