@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime

@Shock_Monster: Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*

@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

@AmericanGent69: 4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute 40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@dumbbeezie: The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue