@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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@Breadery: When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
@radstunts: have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot
@thesupergrobi: Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
@Roxtalled: Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.