@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
@stevevsninjas: HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maître D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
@kirbys4losers: Of course you don't know 'our song.' You didn't know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.
@QwertyJones3: Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by