Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.