Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate