why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
sigh
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes