Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My kitchen overserved me.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.