[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast