I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You Might Also Like
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me logging onto twitter
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore