Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Tough love is true love
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Think I pulled my liver
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.