Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Who’s your best friend?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME