@FavoritesYou: Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!
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@HelmdawgE: Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
@shkeeber: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.