Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it