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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
tourist season