Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art